埃默里大学录取主文选之二

你最欣赏你所在社区的哪一点?你会想改进你所在社区的哪一点?

十二月是最残忍的月份……对单身狗而言

Winter is coming. And as the chilly season approaches, my high school will soon be invaded by smoothing…abominable. Lovesick teenagers armed with cheesy posters and grocery store flowers. Because at my school, winter is the harbinger of the Winter Formal Dance.

But as girls secretly gossip as to who they wish to ask them and guys muster up the courage to do so, I spend another year resigning myself to not going. Whenever someone finds out that I’m skipping it, they never assume that it’s because I can’t afford to. Which is why I am always asked this same question:

“Why not? What are you too poor? Hahaha!”

有技巧的卖惨

The only way I can respond is to laugh it off and to make up an excuse. At times like these, however, living in a homogenously wealthy community can get disheartening because of how indelicate the kids here can be. But they aren’t simply mean for the sake of being petty, they just don’t realize how tactless they are being. Especially since the few less fortunate members of my community hide their situation for fear of being labelled as different. And though hiding the fact that we are poor may seem to work, we’re really just avoiding the problem. The problem being that we shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of being poor. And the only way to fix this problem is to better inform our community about our struggles. If we want change, it has to start with us. We have to stop hiding the fact that we are poor because it isn’t something to be ashamed of. And by learning our stories and our situations, my community will strive for better understanding and work to be more considerate towards those less fortunate than they are. How do I know this? Because it’s already begun.

你好我好大家好

There has been effort by the less fortunate members of my community to share their stories in person and on social media. I was inspired by this movement and confessed to my own friends about why I never got to the dance. And through this process, I found out how wonderful my community is. Because my friends are all so well-off, they’ve never seen money to be important. Something that I myself am guilty of. Since I never had enough, I’d always viewed money as something sacred. Which is why I never learned to be generous. But my friends, after I told them my reason, offered my $60 each so that I could go. As one of my friends put it:

“I’d rather spend money on letting you have a good time rather than spending it on myself.”

Despite my intention to teach my community, it was I who was humbled. I had never realized how stingy I had been until I was shown generosity. I hope to never again be as unaware as I had thought my community to be. I must be better, because I too am part of my community.

AADPS陈欣老师点评:对于中国申请者而言,community的题目从来不是很好写,因为招生官期望看到你卖惨。在我们的文书攻略中涵盖了一些大部分中国孩子可以写的角度,但当你确实想卖惨也有卖惨的条件的话(我能想到的情况只有申请文理学院奖学金了,毕竟对于综合性大学而言,没钱的国际学生压根没法上),这篇文章给出了一个绝妙的范例,尤其是你好我好大家好的部分。

招生官点评:这篇文书第一句话就吸引了我的注意力。“凛冬将至”随着杂货店花卉和圣诞舞会等一系列意象很快把我引入到一个熟悉的场景中。我回想起自己的高中经历,以及走廊中那些关于临时舞伴和寻找配对胸花的八卦。当然作者很快话锋一转,开始讨论更加严肃的主题,也让我们对他有了更加深刻的认识。

这篇文书的主旨是诚实。诚实讨论家庭背景,诚实讨论与朋友之间的关系,诚实讨论对所处社区的看法。文书体现了成长与反思。虽然这篇文书一言以蔽之是无法参加高中舞会,但文中也别有深意。写作手法直截了当——坦率而非粗鲁——且文字经过仔细的修改和校对。作者对所处的社区非常诚恳,并没有文过饰非。毕竟想要带来改变的话,他们自身必须成为改变的一部分。

我最喜欢的部分在结尾,申请者讨论了慷慨的重要性以及他希望从社区中学到的,而非单方面的说教。他显然是一位好的听众,希望所处的社区能变得更好。我们非常高兴他也能成为我们校园社区的一员!

重要通知

本文由AADPS编译自https://blog.emoryadmission.com/2017/09/strong-personal-statements-part-2-be-proud-and-genuine/,原始发布地址是https://aadps.net/2019/14438.html

因屡次出现我们学员家长将盗用我方的推文发到我们自己的服务群里,严重影响了AADPS的正常经营秩序。AADPS决定禁止对我们专业资讯的一切形式转载或再利用(包括但不限于同行或留学生家长在任何媒体平台的公众号、资讯号、私人号中非法利用我方内容)。一经发现,我方将可能采用一切合法手段维权,不再另行通知,创业不易,望谅解。

发布者

陈 欣

陈 欣

AADPS创始人

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